There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
