In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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