i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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