glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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