I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
