i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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