I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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