where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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