I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
