What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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