Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
