There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
