made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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