phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
