he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
