between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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