Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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