note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There's always time for handjobs
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
