Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
