I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How does one acquire holy water?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
