I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
