I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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