I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
