Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
