I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
