the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
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