The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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