guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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