My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
