some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
