a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
