you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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