Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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