I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
