she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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