Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
