I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
