NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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