My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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