I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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