tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
