i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
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I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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