He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
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I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
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I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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