Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
