Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
