dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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