just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
