Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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