Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
