I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
