My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
