He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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