I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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