She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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