It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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