Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
