There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
