and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
